Lasts and Firsts

When the grieving process started, so many talked about the “firsts” we would have. But no one mentioned our “lasts”. This will only make sense to those who are deep in the darkness of grief, the ones that fake it till you make it.

“Being a parent is watching your heart walk outside of your body forever.”
~Mickey Holler, Lincoln Lawyer

We, as a family, have taken many steps in the firsts category and every single time it has taken the breath out of us. Well, our very last full family vacation with Zane was about 5 weeks before he left us. To Ruidoso. Zane drove his car there, his first long trip in it. Zane was adamant about going fishing with his dad and Daniel while we were there, made Joe go to the storage building and dig it all out. From what I know of, everyone had a great time that long weekend, staying up late playing cards, dominoes and on the deck or hot tub.

It took Joe and I four years to make it back to Ruidoso. It was a HUGE step for me. But it felt good. Daniel, Adrianna and Zeagan had yet to go back (Riot had never been, he was not with us in 2017 during that trip). I thought this year’s spring break was a good time to visit as a family. It was also time to take family pictures and why not in a totally different location than usual. Zane came with us of course.

The trip was absolutely nostalgic. No plans except the pictures. We all had a great time. During the photo session, Ciara the photographer asked me if there were any specific poses I wanted. I was freezing up there on the mountain and couldn’t think so the main one that came to mind was of my three boys…Daniel, Zane and Riot. As they stood there, I cried like a little baby and messed up my perfect makeup. I never got a chance to have a picture of my three boys together. And now I do. And of course Zeagan had to recreate his picture with Zane, but looking SO much older.

“Eventually we will forget we are pretending.” ~Glenda in Dahmer on Netflix.

This past weekend I took Riot to get fitted for a suit. He will be attending his 8th grade formal in May. Holy cow. We went to Kohl’s first but I got overwhelmed, anxiety hit and decided to go to Men’s Wearhouse. I was a little disappointed in how messy the store was but as soon as we were greeted and helped the process was easy. Wowsers he looks so grown up for a week away from 15.

We get to the register to pay, and she asks my phone number since I’ve been there before, exactly 10 years ago for another 8th grade formal. She looks at Riot…”Zane”? My heart STOPPED. I actually think Riot’s did too 😂. Again, I cried. I obviously had to explain. So we are still in the system, 10 years later as Zane 💜. She asked if we wanted to change it and Riot and I both at the same time said “NO!”.

Lasts and firsts. Last vacations, last family pictures, last formals. All of these turn into firsts for us too. First family vacations without him. First family pictures without him physically in them (he will ALWAYS be in the pictures tho). And first formal he won’t be involved in. We are slowly learning to move forward, with a few hiccups from losing our breath.