Scarlet Letter

Saturday September 23rd was our 7th walk. Seventh. Why should I even have this on my calendar? Why should all the 700+ walkers have there? Because mental health should be just as important as physical health. That’s why. Because Zane is important. Along with every single beautiful soul we have lost. We are suicide survivors.

“How many nights have you waited for someone to care
Thinking dying is what you deserve?
Like a sad song that no one seems to understand
‘Cause some pain is just too much for words”

This was my first year on the Out of the Darkness Walk planning committee. While it was time consuming I honestly do not feel as if I did enough. I want to do more. I want to help Melissa more. I feel the need to take things off of her hands, to take more responsibility. But then again I believe we need more help. •••hint hint•••

“No, I don’t know your name, no, I can’t see your face
But I’ve been to that place in the dark
So in case you just needed to hear someone say
I’m so proud of you for getting this far”

Every year at the walk the most difficult aspect is the beads and the bead ceremony. White 🤍 beads: loss of a child by suicide. Losing a child is pretty shitty but losing a child by suicide is even shittier. Wearing the white beads almost feels like you’re wearing the Scarlet Letter A. Well, not almost, it DOES feel like it. I was Hester Prynne for Halloween my senior year in highschool. My mom made the most beautiful Scarlet Letter A and I borrowed a dress fitting the time of the 1850s from the theatre department. Never did I imagine I would wear a REAL Scarlet Letter for life.

“So if you’re feeling like dying
No tears left for crying
Alone at the edge of a cliff
If you’re so sick of fighting
The monsters you’re hiding
And wondering if you would be missed
You’re not the only one that’s feeling like this
If you’re hearing this song, it’s a gift
A reason to live”

🤍 Loss of a child

❤️ Loss of a spouse or partner

💛 Loss of a parent

🧡 Loss of a sibling

💜 Loss of a relative or friend

🩶 Loss of a first responder/military

💚 Personal struggle/attempt

💙 Supporting suicide prevention

🩵 A friend or family member of someone who struggles or has attempted

❤️💛🧡💜💚💙 LGBTQ+ support

“How many times have you reached out for anyone’s hand
From the depths of your personal hell?
And then counted the ways you could end all your pain
‘Cause you’re so tired of saving yourself
I’m a stranger at best, but please don’t second guess
All the hope that you hear in my voice
This is not some cliché, promise you if you stay
Someday you’ll see that you were well worth that choice”

I promise no one wants to wear these beads. Not one single person, especially the 🤍 ones. Back in 2017 I couldn’t even go near the bead table. My beautiful friend Erica had to get mine for me. Zeagan got them for me this year and I shook as I put them around my neck. At the ceremony, I shook even more. Seeing the individuals holding up each color is chilling. If you’ve never been to a walk, you REALLY need to experience it.

“So if you’re feeling like dying
No tears left for crying
Alone at the edge of a cliff
If you’re so sick of fighting
The monsters you’re hiding
And wondering if you would be missed
You’re not the only one that’s feeling like this
If you’re hearing this song, it’s a gift
What a beautiful truth
That a human can choose
To become more than just what they feel
‘Cause the hell in your head
Will be nothing compared
To the person that it couldn’t kill”

‘Reason to Live’ by Citizen Soldier

Again, this year was different. I know it was because I was occupied with being so busy running around doing this and doing that. Grief still showed it’s ugly face. I am forever grateful for the TEAM #flyhighzane members that stayed after the walk was over to shut it all down and clean up. While there were dozens and dozens of volunteers for setting up and during the walk, many disappeared when it was over and left only a few of us to close it down. So thank you 🥰. Also to Whitney and Kaci for this year’s walk tshirts. Y’all busted your butts making them and they’re perfect 🩵. And to the other wonderful ladies on the walk committee…wow. You absolutely amaze me.

I cannot wait to see what next year brings. And the connections. I was able to connect to a few mom’s that are in the same ugly shoes as I am walking in. They’re struggling. They’re hurting. They’re still trying to figure out why. They miss their babies so much. They wore the white beads. Grief was written all over their face.

Mental health is beyond important. Be an AFSP advocate. Email congress. Fight.