This one makes my heart beat a little faster. A little harder. I need my heart medication to slow it down 🤦🏼♀️. Seven years. Good grief.
My sweet baby boy is still 16. I’m almost 46. I was 38, almost 39 when he died. I age, he doesn’t. So not fair. My child should be almost 24 in October. His age was always easy to remember, he was born in the year 2k.
A friend who recently lost her daughter from horrible medical reasons brought something up to me. Fetal Material Microchimerism (FMM). According to Google this is…
“A phenomenon that occurs during pregnancy when fetal cells pass through the placenta and into the mother’s body, and vice versa. This can result in a micro-chimeric state that can last for decades, with the mother’s body containing cells from both herself and her child. FMc has been studied since the early 1900s, and fetal cells have been found in the lungs, brain, spinal cord, and other organs of pregnant women.”
I completely feel this…
We were at the cemetery talking on our usual Sunday. Joe was doing something on his phone, AI related. That got me thinking about the technology of today and how much Zane would absolutely love it. But then again it might tick him off, especially knowing that highschool and college students can AI generate a book report without even reading a book or researching. Don’t get me wrong , he was all about making things easy but not about completely taking the easiest way out. I mean, come on, the kid was possibly going to be a neurosurgeon. He was our tech guru. Any time we needed something or were confused we went straight to Zane. This tech world of today would leave him spinning. I would never get him out of the house 😂.
I recently made a post about my chicken spaghetti and a country song. My awesome friend Eric AI generated a song about “Chicken Spaghetti”😂. It couldn’t have been more perfect. It made laugh and cry. Technically can be a curse but it can also be beautiful.
https://suno.com/song/8bb5fdc5-38ad-4c52-ae9e-0d6a785ff976
Everyone woke up this morning like it was a normal day. And it is. To them. But to me it is Doomsday. The day I lost my soul. 2,555 days ago was the last day I saw his face walking into the bathroom around 6am. 2,549 days ago I saw his face for the very very last time is the worst most imaginable way…in a casket dressed in a 5FDP T-shirt/blue collared shirt/cap to hide you-know-what/his favorite Levi’s/and his black Adidas. The casket had hundreds, and I mean HUNDREDS, maybe even topping a thousand signatures on it and notes from family and friends, along with custom artwork from Sheldon. There were also notes inside with him. Joe and I were the last to walk out and see him, but not before I dropped to the floor passing out.
I remember seeing my dad in a casket when I was 8. That was my first funeral. Funerals never bothered me till Zane’s. My niece Elinda left us in 2010. Hers was rough too but I guess the reason I breezed through was because my sister-in-law and I did most of the planning and were being pulled in so many directions that grief had not slapped me in the face yet. But geeze when it hit, it hit hard. Elinda was my partner in crime. She was my “hey ya wanna go run to Lubbock to eat at Texas Roadhouse??” girl. Elinda would be 33.
Tonight we are going as a family to see Deadpool & Wolverine. Completely fitting. When I saw it first being advertised to come out today, I knew it was meant to be. We were meant to go see it today. Zane would have dragged us there 😅. Damn I miss that kid so much. He’s still my sweet 16 year old. Forever.
Please, if you are in any way having suicidal thoughts, call someone or the AFSP hotline.
1-800-273-8255 or
Text TALK to 741741 or dial 988 #flyhighzane #suicidesucks
July 26th 