I’ve been listening to a few new songs. Surprise surprise right? Most know my love of music. One in particular stood out to me this morning on my drive to Lubbock, ironically in Zane’s car.
Citizen Soldier has a plethora of mental health songs, this is just the one that hit me today. The lyrics. The words. The meaning. The power. Here’s the first verse…
~I'm Not Okay~
"Tonight the monsters in my head
Are screaming so damn loud
But I built walls so high
So they never even make a sound..."
But the verse that got me twisted this morning was…
"I wish I had a scar
Had a bruise on the surface, any kind of proof
That everything I feel is more than just some sad excuse..."
Mental health is a hidden illness. I’ve said it before, my son is the face of suicide. The face of mental health. I am the face of mental health. But you can’t see it. My friends, family, clients, coworkers all know about what happened but a stranger has no clue. They have no idea that almost 7 years ago I lost a child. That I lost a child in a violent, unrelenting horrible way that changed me forever. On the surface I look okay. But I’m not.
I fight every day. I struggle with the urge to cry. I want to hold Zane. I want to touch him one more time. I want to talk to him. But I can’t. He’s gone. Forever. My fight is invisible because I don’t have a scar or bruise to prove I’m not okay.
The last seven years have been rough. Our lives have literally fallen apart. Not much goes right and it keeps us up at night worrying. We aren’t who we used to be as a whole and we’ve accepted it. Joe and I have vowed to be better parents to Riot. We failed Zane. I, as a mom, failed Zane. We will not fail Riot.
Please, if you are in any way having suicidal thoughts, call someone or the AFSP hotline.
1-800-273-8255 or
Text TALK to 741741 or dial 988 #flyhighzane #suicidesucks
July 26th 