Today

Today is supposed to be happy. Today is supposed to be all about me being a mom. Today is supposed to be sweet, sunshine, cotton candy and roses. But it’s really not.

Mother’s Day. I’m really good at pretending.  Putting on a good face, a show face. It’s easier to fake it till I make it then to show how I really feel because then I have to talk. And when I talk I cry. Almost 7 years later and yes, it’s still like the first day after his loss.

I try to stay off of Facebook so I miss the Mom’s Day posts, the happy pictures but I just can’t. I am truly happy for everyone. I love seeing their smiling faces. Sure, I’m jealous, very jealous of “whole” families but it’s not their faults. My pictures are all missing one. Every year. And every year there will always be one that’s gone. And I’m helpless.

Being helpless sucks. Especially as a mom. No mom wants to be helpless. That day in July I was the most helpless as a mom could EVER be. I was defeated. Walked on. I felt like the worst mom on earth . I died with him.

In between now and then I’ve gained a beautiful child, my third son. A new chance to make things right. Riot came to live with us when he was 7, now he’s 14! We just celebrated our 5th “Gotcha Day” on May 7th.  I feel confident I’m doing ok, he’s our do-over kiddo. Zane would be so happy he is with us, that makes my heart warm. It puts a small patch on the corner of my open wound.