Time. Time is a freaking joke. It’s a lie. All it does is change numbers on a clock and ages you.
Six and a half years have gone by and nothing has changed. Except we have moved FORWARD. Not on. Please know that. If you’ve never experienced child loss then it’s hard to understand the moving forward process. It honestly feels like downhill and it’s a constant battle.
We we went to see Zane on our normal Sunday. It started out the same as always, checking everything to make sure the stone was good, area was clean. It’s January so we talked about changing the flowers but that takes money. I always change my neice’s and Joe’s brothers flowers as well so it adds up. We usually sit and talk to him and I take my usual Snapchat photos and we go. But this time I needed to talk a little more with him. He’s been gone more than 2000 days. To be exact ,2376.
I KNOW it’s not him, but I “feel” closer to him when I come face to face with his picture on his stone. I noticed tape residue from back in October on his birthday so I started to pick at it and try to clean it off. Then something hit me like a brick in the face. I’m cleaning a rock hard cold as ice stone and not his room or clothes. WTF. Is this fair? Hell to the no. I SHOULD BE CLEANING HIS DIRTY UNDERWEAR when he comes home from college! Not a cold piece of f-ing rock with him underneath. Try that one on for size.
“Now I have to remember you for longer than I’ve known you.”
~C.C. Aurel
Grief sucks. It’s an ache in your chest so severe that makes a heart attack feel like a rubber band snap to the skin. I apologize if I don’t “like” a post on FB about your kiddo leaving for college and you are heartbroken, or a kindergarten graduation. Not. The. Same. I’m just being raw and real. Don’t hate me. I’m a grieving mother.
#flyhighzane #suicidesucks #youarenotalone #july26
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July 26th 