Puppets and Strings

Wednesday on the way to school I asked Kai’Dyn to untangle my necklace. When she was finished I put it on and told her thank you, that was Zane’s thumbprint. She then slightly teared up and said “well then I’m going to say a prayer.”. Kai’Dyn bowed her head and prayed. It was so so sweet. Then the song “Believer” by Imagine Dragons came on…

“First things first
I’ma say all the words inside my head
I’m fired up and tired of the way that things have been, oh ooh
The way that things have been, oh ooh
Second thing second
Don’t you tell me what you think that I can be
I’m the one at the sail, I’m the master of my sea, oh ooh
The master of my sea, oh ooh

I was broken from a young age
Taking my sulking to the masses
Write down my poems for the few
That looked at me, took to me, shook to me, feeling me
Singing from heartache from the pain
Taking my message from the veins
Speaking my lesson from the brain
Seeing the beauty through the

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you build me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
Oh let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Third things third
Send a prayer to the ones up above
All the hate that you’ve heard has turned your spirit to a dove, oh ooh
Your spirit up above, oh ooh

I was choking in the crowd
Building my rain up in the cloud
Falling like ashes to the ground
Hoping my feelings, they would drown
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
‘Til it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer

Last things last
By the grace of the fire and the flames
You’re the face of the future, the blood in my veins, oh ooh
The blood in my veins, oh ooh
But they never did, ever lived, ebbing and flowing
Inhibited, limited
‘Til it broke up and it rained down
It rained down, like

You made me a, you made me a believer, believer
(Pain, pain)
You break me down, you built me up, believer, believer
(Pain)
I let the bullets fly, oh let them rain
My life, my love, my drive, it came from
(Pain)
You made me a, you made me a believer, believer“

Yeah… couldn’t have been more clear. He was speaking to her. She popped up and said “ya know who introduced me to Imagine Dragons?” Well I knew right away who. Zane.

I feel like we’re one day closer to getting the headstone. I sent the final pieces of art in to the company. I’m not sure if I’m truly ready. When it’s here that means it’s real, he’s gone. I know he’s gone, but…

Last night in the rain storm I must have broke a piece under my car (under pinning) so I took Zane’s car to work. I mentioned to Joe a while back that I wanted his car to stay smelling like Zane had it. Cherry scented car air freshener from Dollar Tree. Joe must have put one in the car because when I got in the smell was heaven. I don’t want that smell to ever go away.

Another bittersweet moment. God, I miss him so much. I hope you’ve made him into one gorgeous angel. I feel like such a puppet on a string. Grief is controlling me. One day I’ll break my first string.